Your Dark Passenger

Well hello again, my fellow dark passengers and welcome to our first Talk to Me Tuesday.  Though talking about those things that haunt is so vitally important to healing, there is no doubt about how difficult it can be.  That’s why I thought I might go first; share a little more about my own darkness…what sort of “dark passenger” gets toted around on a daily basis.

Anyone looking for some extra-juicy details, sorry to disappoint, but my dark passenger has never driven me down the path of drug addiction or alcoholism.  I’ve never gambled away my paycheck.  I’m not a sex addict.  (Though I’m sure hubby wishes I were.)

I could probably go into tale after tale of my crummy childhood and how it shaped the woman I am today.

Really though, is there a point to throwing a pity party when I doubt I have enough party hats to go around?

So, what’s my poison, you may ask.  Acceptance, approval, acknowledgment…you name it.  I know that to some degree most people want for these things; I’m not unique in that way.  What is different about me is the feeling of never being good enough…and I don’t mean that typical “woe is me” thing we all have from time to time, I quite literally mean that I never am good enough.  I am incapable of meeting the expectations placed upon me.

Yet I have to try.  I have to push myself to feel as though I belong somewhere…anywhere, really.  There was a time, perhaps a few years back, when I knowingly sacrificed the person I was to be the person I thought everyone wanted me to be so that I could gain their acceptance and approval.  Oh, who am I kidding?  That’s been the pattern of my life; a few years back was just the worst of it.

The thing about being yourself, but not really yourself, is that the real you never goes away or stays silent.  The real me became a voice in the back of my mind, telling me how pointless this little exercise in futility really was.  She kept screaming at me that I didn’t need the approval of people who, under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even like to be around.

Maybe that’s the thing about the internet…you get to filter your responses to people.  They can’t see you rolling your eyes when they sound ridiculous, but on the same token, you can’t see if you’re being used…or all the awful things they might be doing to good people.  The anonymous nature of the internet can be a real curse at times.

It got bad.  It got to the point where my emotional state was ruled by whatever dramas my “friends” were creating.  You see, the thing about having an approval addiction is that, even when you know the people in your life are no good for you and actively causing you pain, you can’t walk away.  You don’t just want their approval; you need it.  You crave it and you become a slave to that craving, that dark addiction.  And the moment you fall out of favor with the one who’s given you their approval once they have used you for all you’re worth?

Rock bottom.  Lots of tears.  Lots of self-doubt.  Lots of wondering how it is you can never be good enough.

Wondering if your very life has meaning or purpose…

I was lucky-ish.  “Friend” after “friend” after “friend” hurt me in a quick succession and the voice in my head, the real me, had finally had enough.  She told me I had more worth than I knew.  And she told me I was not defined by the what false friends thought of me.  Actually, she told me I wasn’t defined by what anyone thought of me.

You know what?  She was right.

I was right.

As a writer, I find myself in a constant struggle with it to this very day.  What I’ve had to learn is that the way people think of my work, my words, my writing, doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with the way they feel about me.  Other people are allowed to hate my novels.  That’s okay.  It doesn’t mean they hate me.  Even if they do hate me, I’m the one with the power to decide who gets to have the power to hurt me.

So, if any of you are struggling with approval addiction, I know what it’s like and I know where you’ve been.  Talking about it helps.  I made the mistake of trying to keep it all inside, hiding it from the people in my life who genuinely love and care for me.

And if you suffer from some other addiction, if your dark passenger is of a darker variety, you should remember you’re not beyond help.  Hope is not out of your reach.  It’s not to late.

So, wherever you are, whatever addiction you have clouding your life, talk to someone…talk to me if you need the anonymous for now.

Jen

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