Jan 07 2009
My Addiction
Hi dark passengers. I know that Talk to Me Tuesday is essentially over, but I’ve been dreading posting this all day. You see, it was easy for me to talk about my approval addiction because that’s basically past tense; this addiction is present day.
Again y’all, I’m not into drugs or alcohol. In a sick way, it might be a little easier if I were. (I’ll explain later.)
My heroine is food.
Think about it…If you have a problem with pills or the bottle, people will at some point either turn away from you or try to get you some help. And if people in general don’t see a problem with your behavior then you’ll still know it’s wrong in the back of your mind - even if you aren’t ready to admit that to yourself.
But how do you reconcile the nature of your addiction in your mind when it’s something like food. I mean, you have to eat, right? It’s not like you can just stop eating altogether.
Let me back up to catch you up. I was one of those girls in high school who had the great body and never knew it. I didn’t see that I had a six pack (abs) or that I was a perfect hourglass (maybe a touch top-heavy) or my hair was fabulous. No, I focused on the fact I couldn’t wear a bikini like my petite friends because of the overly-ample chest or the fact my thighs rubbed together when I walked (in my opinion, even though they were basically solid muscle) or the imaginary wobble in my arms when I waved. Better still, I’d focus on the slightest hint of double chin I could always see in pictures of me. *sighs* It’s called stop looking down all the time and the double chin vanishes, chick…but you try telling that to an insecure teenage girl.
So you’d think I became anorexic or bulimic or a workout machine…right?
Not in the slightest. Throwing up has never been my favorite thing to do so that was out of the question in my eyes. I love food too much to stop eating. As for exercise, well, we worked out between 4 and 6 hours a day for drill team, depending on if it was a weekend practice or over a break or something. Working out any more than that just seemed stupid to me.
Not eating two helpings at dinner and a pint of ice cream in the evening didn’t occur to me either.
Essentially, the combination of overdoing it in an extra-curricular activity, having crappy eating habits, my approval addiction and some serious untreated teen depression caused my metabolism to commit suicide by the age of 18.
You know, it occurs to me that this journey into my own personal hell is going to get lengthier than anyone probably wants to read in one sitting - and more depressing. I think it’s best if I cut off the tale here.
For now. Rather than take over each and every Tuesday with this, I’ll pick it up tomorrow…sort of like a dark bonus post, or something. So here’s the deal: I’ll keep talking about what led me to this point and how I intend to recover from my food addiction for as long as y’all keep reading it.
Deal?
And if y’all don’t want to hear about it then you have to tell me, okay?
Jen
“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!” - By the way, has anyone ever wondered exactly what I mean when I say that?
I’m willing to listen, as long as you’re willing to speak.
I really can relate to a food addiction. I myself, if I am completely honest, have to admit that is the how and why of me being at my current weight. Working through it like this seems like a great way to beating your addiction!! Best of Luck!
I know, right? If I let myself slip back into the old ways once I get going then I’ve got, I don’t know, all 7 readers to explain it to.
Good luck chicky! You know I’ll always listen. I have my addiction to sweets. Lucky I work out enough for it to not really show. But I know I wouldn’t have to work out as much and have way better tone if I would cut out the sugar
So I’m hoping hearing how you’re conquering your addiction it can help me too!
I’m here, I’m here - make it eight, LOL!
I have a food addiction too. Even as I type this, I have been contemplating what is in the kitchen, because I want to snack on something. Mind you, I already ate lunch, but apparently my stomach thinks that it needs to be fed 24/7. As does my mind. I am always thinking about food. Uggh.
And in case you’re curious, yes, I HAVE been curious what you mean by your tagline. Explanation, please.
Have a good one!
Hava
http://nonfictionlover.today.com
Star - at least you work out! You walked off all those cookies we had over the summer and I just carried the pounds back on the airplane with me!
Marilyn - I’m not even sure if overeating is my problem. It’s just all messed up. Maybe I’m just really lazy.
Hava - And then there were eight…yay! You sound like me. Do you ever start thinking about lunch and/or dinner while you’re still eating breakfast? *cough* I do *cough*
Yes, the explanation of the tagline is coming…probably late tonight.
I am with you sister…not that food is my addiction, I have another that is natural and part of human existence…its not like I can just stop altogether…or at least I won’t stop altogether.
This is my first reading of yours, and am too curious about your tag line…and I will keep reading as long as you are posting…so post on, dark leader, post on!!!
~T
I’m listening, and I hope you keep writing if it helps, and if you are comfortable sharing.
I’m a compulsive overeater, food addict and bulimic.
You said:
“Again y’all, I’m not into drugs or alcohol. In a sick way, it might be a little easier if I were. (I’ll explain later.)”
In my case nothing kicked my ass like food.
I had my first court-ordered treatment for drug addiction when I was 15. I was on the honor roll and from a middle-class Christian family and there was no alcohol in our home, and certainly no drugs. But that didn’t stop me.
I was the first kid in my rural high school arrested for a drug-related charge.
After I finally got clean and sober, my food addiction progressed.
Food was my “good girl” drug.
I also used to think purging was absolutely disgusting– until I tried it the first time. It’s not like having the flu and throwing up. It’s a high and it’s VERY addictive. In a very short time, I ate and threw up without gagging myself; I ate vomited spontaneously.
If you haven’t tried it, please don’t. In my case, it was VERY hard to stop.
I used to think I’m a drug addict- a REAL addict who used REAL drugs (opiates).
Food seemed like such a benign substance, one that I should be able to control.
But I couldn’t.
I hooked up with a Deaf guy at AA because he couldn’t hear me purge after we ate.
I stole food from grocery stores (yes, I had the money to pay), the office refrigerator, friends, and family. and my little girls Halloween candy.
I used to sneak and eat in the restroom with the shower running.
I went to drive-thrus and ordered enough food for a hungry family of four and one drink. I told the cashier it was to drink now, that everyone else already had soda at home (like she cared or it was her business).
Then, I ate the all the drive-thru food real fast while driving, went home cooked a big meal, and sat down and ate again with my family.
I used to think I’d get a DUE (driving while eating). Eating spaghetti while zooming on the interstate isn’t easy!
We live in such a weight obsessed world. One of the new buzz words for last year was globesity.
But for me, it was way beyond weight.
It was about numbing my feelings with binging and starving, and then the release from purging and excessive exercise.
You can be a compulsive overeater and not be a food addict.
You can be a food addict and not be bulimic.
If you are a real food addict, I hope you get some help because it is a progressive illness and will likely only get worse if it goes untreated.
You said:
“But how do you reconcile the nature of your addiction in your mind when it’s something like food. I mean, you have to eat, right? It’s not like you can just stop eating altogether.”
Yes, keen insight for the obvious. We gotta eat.
That used to befuddle me also, and a piece of why recovery from drugs and alcohol seemed easier.
For the most part, drugs and alcohol are not in close proximity to me. I don’t need them to survive, though I used to think I did.
And while I need to eat, I don’t need (or want) to eat compulsively.
My relationship with food has changed.
Now, I eat for my health. I no longer approach food as a drug to anesthetize my feelings.
It was really hard at first. In early recovery, eating each meal seemed like sticking my hand in a cage and hoping the tiger wouldn’t bite me. That fear is gone now, thank God.
You said:
“You know, it occurs to me that this journey into my own personal hell is going to get lengthier than anyone probably wants to read in one sitting - and more depressing. I think it’s best if I cut off the tale here.”
Oh, I would have kept reading and reading and reading.
Actually, I was cyberbummin’ and saw your post in the forum and came by to check out your header because I’m working on mine. Yours looks great.
Take good care of yourself.
And keep writing. To not do so would be like holding your breath…
Recovery Rocks!
Roxie
http://recoveryrocks.today.com/
Heh! The reCAPTCHA words I need to enter to submit this comment are “women analyze.”
Oh crap…I deleted a comment because my finger slipped. I think it might have been ravyn’s? ugh…I so shouldn’t try to do this stuff at 3:40 in the morning when I’m exhausted.
…And the award for a comment longer than the original post goes to…
Roxie!
It’s time for sleep…past time.
Way past time.
OMG! Of course is was long. It’s about the ONE topic I’m an expert on…
EATING!
(tho i’m probably in good company!)
Roxie
http://recoveryrocks.today.com/