Your Dark Passenger

Yes, dark passengers, you read that correctly.  Tonight, Day 2 of the 13 Days of Love will tackle what to get that special someone for Valentine’s Day when you don’t want them to be that special someone any longer.

Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is an especially rough time of year for those who don’t want to be part of a +1 situation.  It’s not like you can break up with your not-so sweetie on V-Day either because then you’ll be labeled a total jerk for the rest of your dating life.  So, short of spending a fortune on expensive V-Day swag (guys) or putting out for Mr. Lame-o (ladies), what can you actually do to make your point without making the point?

Get out your Hello Kitty notepads and purple glitter ink pens because it’s time to make a shopping list.  Here’s Your Dark Passenger’s Top 13 Valentine’s Day Gifts for that Very Un-Special Someone (listed in no particular order):

1. Kitty Litter Scoop.  Nothing says go shovel your own crap because I’m not going to anymore like this one…
2. Hand Soap.  No need to go to a fancy bath and body boutique.  Just grab a generic bottle at the grocery store - or from on your kitchen sink.  Doesn’t matter if it’s used; you’re washing your hands of them…
3. Hotel Toiletries.  People like those little mini-shampoos and mouthwash bottles, right?  Score extra evil points if you acquired them while with someone else - from before you were with your not-so sweetie, of course…
4. Weeds.  Who needs pricey flowers that will just be dead in a few days?  Just grab whatever crap is growing by the side of the road on the way over.  Kudos if you can get the roots with bits of dirt still stuck to them…
5. Old Maid Playing Cards. Do you really need help understanding this one?
6. Male Enhancement Information.  Since guys don’t care about being the “Old Maid,” print out some information and a money-saving coupon from the internet for him…
7. Deepest Sympathy Card.  On the inside, write something like “you’ll know ” or just leave it blank.  Why bother getting a cheesy glitter card.  This way you can say what you mean..
8. A Coupon for One Hot/Romantic Night.  Go ahead and go crazy.  If they’ve been dying for a 3-way or that couple’s spa weekend, give ‘em a coupon redeemable in the month of March.  Not like you’ll ever have to make good on it…
9. Romantic Dinner.  Don’t worry about making Valentine’s Day reservations.  You won’t need them for McDonald’s.  Mmmm…parfaits…I’m lovin’ it…
10. Their Favorite Movie.  This one will take a little planning since most peeps don’t have VCRs anymore, but you might find one at an antique shop.  Anyway, randomly record clips of sporting events, cooking shows, shark attacks, porn, Dora the Explorer, whatever.  If you can time it with the key action or romantic scenes in the movie then you’ll get bonus points.  Extra special bonus points if you sit there watching it with them…
11. A Heart-felt Poem.  Make sure that when you come to the point where you’d mention their name that you remember to replace it with their best friend’s name…
12. A Toothbrush.  What?  It’s a practical gift…
13. No Gift.  For this to work you’re going to need to start hyping it up now.  Start talking about how AMAZING the plans you’ve made for Valentine’s Day are.  Talk it up every chance you get.  Leave post-it notes on mirrors.  Send cryptic e-mails.  Start getting their friends excited about the mystery plans so that Valentine’s Day is the ONLY thing your not-so sweetie can think about, talking about, dream about.  Then on Valentine’s Day, don’t bother getting dressed up.  Don’t have a present handy.  Your best bet is just to be out with your friends so they can’t even find you.  When they ask what happened to you, simply say, “Was that tonight?”

While some of these Valentine’s Day gifts will be more effective than others, combining them will be extra fun.  You could even start out with a gift a day until you get to the big finish.  And when I say “big finish” you know I mean of your relationship.

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all.  Have fun…

Jen

“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”

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