Feb 07 2009
A Vampire Valentine’s Day
Welcome to day 5 of the 13 Days of Love. Are you sick of the dark side of love yet? No worries, let’s take a break from doom and gloom and death for a day so we can have a little fun.
Just for grins, it’s time to have a bit of fun with the mythical immortal vampire. What does a day in their life look like? Do they get to have any fun on Valentine’s Day? Let’s take a look at our fangy friend. We’ll call him Gus.
Why? Because not even vampires are immune to writers handing out stupid names. (Apologies if your name is also Gus, though I suspect you’ve got bigger problems than me.) Hmm…Moving on.
…I give this post an R rating before writing even a single word, just in case…
Vampire Gus Searches for a Valentine’s Day Date
A little background on our blood-sucking pal: Gus is a 400-year-old virgin hoping to make this Valentine’s Day THE DAY, if you get my drift. By day he sleeps in a coffin in his crappy one-room apartment in Dallas; by night he works downtown for the law offices of Harlot, Envy, Looker and Lacking (HELL, for short) as a security guard. The pay is bad; the coffee is worse, even when he pulls out his flask of blood to spike it.
Wednesday, February 11th
9:00 am
The phone rings…and rings…and rings, each screeching peal of the phone driving a wooden stake of pain into his eyes. Who calls a vampire at nine o’clock in the morning? Oh…wait…no…no one actually knows he’s a vampire or they’d go Buffy on his ass. With a sigh he inches open the coffin lid and pulls the phone inside, yanking the cord in the process. He really should get a cordless phone one of these days - or a cell phone - but they always seemed to be closed when he got there for some reason.
“Good morning, may I speak with Mr. Limpdick, please?”
Gus clenched his jaw and silently cursed the second-rate forger he’d used for his new identity. “Actually, it’s Limdpick.”
“Whatever. Is this him?” The sarcastic male voice on the other end of the line paused for only a moment before continuing. “This is Visa and your bill is past due. I’m going to need to take a payment over the phone to correct this right now.”
“Sure thing. Can I use my MasterCard?”
“Are you being funny Mr. Limpdick?”
“Limdpick.”
“I need that payment.”
“No problem. Let me call my Swiss Banker and have him move some money in from the Caymans.” Click. Gus was way too tired to deal with this shit at the unholy hour of nine.
1:30 pm
The phone. Again. “Someone had better be dead.”
“Yeah. Your credit. Now fuckin’ pay me, Limpdick.”
“Still waiting on that offshore transfer, Visaboy. Would you accept a brick of gold?” Click.
2:45 pm
Phone. This was getting old. “Domino’s House of Pain. We’ll whip you in 30 minutes or less or the tickle torture is free.” 
“I. Want. My. Money.”
“Sure thing. Was there a problem with your last tickle torture session?” Gus yawned. That was apparently a mistake.
“I’m sorry, pickledick, am I boring you?”
“Yes, actually.”
“I want my fucking money. Don’t make me come over there!” 
Was this Visa or Guido’s Little Mafia Bookie Shop? “Come on over. I could use a snack.” Oops. Didn’t meant to say that out loud. Click.
2:48 pm
Ring ring. “Van Helsing.”
“You’re into some pretty kinky shit, aren’t you, Limpdick? I’m looking at your account and you’ve spent a lot of money at the blood banks. I wonder what would happen if this credit card statement found its way to the media?”
“I guess I’d probably have your job, Visaboy.”
“This job motherfuckin’ sucks so bring it…”
Click. Gus worked in HELL so that trumped Visa any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
2:50 pm
“This is Count Dracula Limpdick and you will never get your money. You hear me? I’ll meet you in the parking lot and drain your body of blood before I’ll pay you one damn cent.” No response. “I can hear you breathing, bitchboy. Are you going to answer me or jerk off?”
“Well…” a soft voice cleared her throat. “This is Scarlet with Visa calling to apologize for Matt’s behavior during his recent collections call. It’s no excuse I know, but he just overdosed on Pop Rocks and Diet Coke so…yeah. Is this Mr. Limdpick?”
This was probably the moment when he would have blushed had he not been dead. “Yes…this is he.” There was a strangled silence. “I’ve heard Pop Rocks and Diet Coke can be a dangerous combination.” 
~~ Moral? Even vampires can have bad credit. Now…don’t you feel better?
Well…doesn’t look like Gus Limdpick’s search for a Valentine’s Day lay date went very well so far today. Will our poor 400-year-old Vampire ever find love or is he doomed to celibacy for eternity? Find out when his search for love continues. And just for grins, I’m going to write a little ditty from Scarlett’s point of view over on The Stiletto Philosopher.
Why the cheesy vampire fiction? I don’t have a clue. I’m in a goofy mood and I needed to let it out before I OD’d on pop rocks and diet coke. BTW…not actually way I write fiction…
Star - Yes, the smileys were just for you.
Jen
“Let your dark passenger come out and play before it OD’s on pop rocks and diet coke…Be your own nemesis!”
I’m laughing so freaking hard right now that I’m crying! omg! I almost peed when I saw the smiley! And poor Mr. Limpdick, I mean Limdpick. I don’t know what else to say… I can’t stop laughing!
I might just have to bring back ALL the good smileys, chickie.
Think I’d get in trouble for the bj one?
You’re blog has been tagged, Jen. You can pick up the tag on Poetic Expression.
Congratulations!
-M
Great post, glad to see the problem with credit crawls its way even into the realms of the undead.
Hey, I enjoyed this a lot! Thanks for sharing the story… I hope you continue it. =D I’ll be checking your page to see what comes next…