Feb 11 2009
Valentine’s Day Felonies
Valentine’s Day can put a lot of pressure on guys to get the perfect gift for their sweetheart. Some men start stressing out about making their plans before the Christmas season has even ended. Others have been known to make their Valentine’s Day reservations for the next year on February 15th, just to make certain they can get a table at the perfect romantic restaurant.
Others still wait until the week before and try to steal $37,000 worth of candy.
But we’ve all been there, right? Who among us hasn’t stolen tens of thousands of dollars worth of useless goods in our youth? Ahh…good times…good times…
Wait. What?
Okay, here’s the deal, y’all…
Apparently, this 18-year-old guy in Middleton, Ohio thought he was going to orchestrate his own financial bailout for his family this Valentine’s Day by ordering $37,000 worth of fundraiser candy and billing it to his alma mater. Sure sure, any of us who’ve ever paid three bucks for an almond chocolate bar the size of a baby Snickers have thought about not paying for the rip-off chocolate. The difference between that thought and what the kid did is two counts of communications fraud.
Yeah…that’s a felony, people. Can you even imagine how screwed up you’d have to be to think this was a good plan; one worth risking some serious jail time if you were caught? I sure can’t. I mean, I’m 28 and I still sound young on the phone so I can only assume I sounded even younger on the phone when I was 18. Since I have more than one brain cell in my head, I personally would assume the company is going to check out an order of that size with the school supposedly placing the order.
But since he didn’t think of it, I’ve got a theory about what caused all this. Here’s what never probably happened:
Ohio dude is a BIG fan of Michael Phelps. As soon as he saw the bong hit pictures that are making the rounds on the internet and mentioned on every nightly news program, he knew the only way to be cool like his top role-model Phelps was to light up a doobie - or 50 - and get to working on his awesomeness. Now, I have never smoked pot (I’m dead serious, y’all. I’m allergic to cigarette smoke so I reason trying to hold pot smoke in my lungs would give me a fatal allergic reaction.), but I understand from every stoner movie out there that the munchies are a sure-fire side-effect.
So there you go…Ohio dude smoked 50 doobies, got the munchies and ordered $37,000 worth of candy to cope with it. It was never about the money he could get from selling them; it was all about the munchies.
Remember, dark passengers, you heard it here first. Michael Phelps made that kid commit some chocolatey-delicious felonies. Choose your role models well this Valentine’s Day.
Jen
“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”
Congrats on your award from Today.com! –Michelle
omg! I thought I was a chocolate lover…wow! He must have really wanted to get lucky on Valentine’s Day! Can you see him telling his fellow inmates why he’s in jail?
Michelle - Thanks!
Star - I can’t even begin to fathom that. You’re in prison with murderers and arsonists and rapists and armed robbers and you’re there for attempting to steal chocolate and lollipops. Wow. His prison name is going to be “Sugar” or “Candy Man” I bet. And I’m guessing that’s not a nickname you’d want to have.
I would be SOOO sick of all that chocolate. But I’d pick out all the almonds. And the caramel ones…. yum… I’d have gained a hundred pounds by March.
Saw your award–SOOOO happy for you!
hmm…gaining all the weight might actually help you out with a prison name like “candy man”
Thanks! I was way shocked.
Thanks for stopping by my blog a while back (ghostlyhappenings). I like the leap you make from bong hits to candy theft. Hey, anything is possible! Just wait until someone whispers in his ear in jail, “Hey babe, want some chocolate thunder?”
Well, my dad used to tell me you’d start out by smoking a joint and the next thing you know you’d be selling yourself for smack on the street so I can make some pretty random leaps.
Btw - almost choked when I read that chocolate thunder comment.
You know you can always bake it into… well pretty much anything that requires butter or oil. Just saying…
Yes…true; however, I always get this image in my head of biting into a brownie and ending up with a mouth full of grass. Not yummilicious.
Besides, I’m pretty much a lunatic like I am on here and Stilleto Philosopher 24/7 so I think drugs of any kind will probably only serve to make *gulps* normal. Blech. Or worse still…sane.
I can’t risk losing my secret magic powers like that. I mean, don’t y’all know how powerful and important I am?
Oh…wait…no. Guess not…”secret” powers and all.
Hmm…as someone who has cats, I’m going to say that’s not a good thing. I definitely don’t want to do that.
Well brownies are alright but I have to admit I prefer peach cobbler…. mmmm that stuff is delicious! and very entertaining lol
Personally not a fan of peaches so cobblered peaches are out for me as well.
Yeah, and my old buddies Dick Harpootlian and Jack Swerling are out there to assure that people like the chocolate bandit aren’t nailed for crimes by virtue of virtual association.
Osama bin Laffen his ass off
I have no idea who those people are. Sorry.