Your Dark Passenger

Valentine’s Day is all about hearts and flowers, romance and chocolate.  This is the time each year when feelings of hope and love bubble to the surface of even the most hardened cynic (me).  This is when fluffy pink pinkness wins out over the rest of the world.  Heck, this is when even the goths don their hot pink skull apparel in celebration.  We’re dealing with the perfect holiday.

Or so The Evil Powers That Be (TEPTB) would have us believe.

Welcome to a very special Friday the 13th/Valentine’s Day crossover.  Better put on your safety goggles, dark passengers, because this is where fluffy pink pinkness gets firebombed to oblivion.  There is something sinister going on behind the scenes and it’s time to take off the rose-colored glasses to see it for what it really is.  (But really, you should have already taken those off to put on your safety goggles or you’ll just look silly.)

Day of Love or Day of Evilry?  You Decide…

First off, dark passengers, let’s be crystal clear about something.  The government is behind this conspiracy.  If you’ve got a wall calendar handy then whip that bad boy out and look at what you see for February 14.  Do you see Ferris Wheel Day or National Condom Day?  No.  You see Valentine’s Day.  Does that mean those two holidays I just mentioned are big fat fakers?  Nope.  They’re real…and one of those is very important to the conspiracy.  (We’ll get to that momentarily.)

But Jen…that’s the doing of the calendar makers, not the government, you might say.  Well, who do you think controls the calendar makers?  You guessed it…TEPTB.  Instead of pointing out how crazy that is, you should instead be asking yourself why the government wants Valentine’s Day observed.  I’ll tell you…

What happens on Valentine’s Day, y’all? Yeah, guys spend way too much on flowers that will be dead in three days and diamond blinginess, but that’s not the end result.  What really happens on Valentine’s Day is that peeps get friendly, if you get my drift. (You know…sex.)  Isn’t it rather convenient that the 14th is also National Condom Day yet all we hear about is Valentine’s Day this and Valentine’s Day that?  Perhaps a little too convenient?

This is where TEPTB come in.  TEPTB want you to get swept away in the romance of it all.  TEPTB want you to drink too much at that fancy restaurant.  TEPTB want you to give up the goods (aka sex) to that guy you’ve only been dating for a few months or weeks or days or whatever; it doesn’t matter.

And TEPTB want you to forget to use a condom.

It’s true.

TEPTB probably don’t want you to get an STD because that’s maybe a higher level of evilry than even they’re capable of reaching.  What they want is for you to get pregnant.  I’ll say it again: TEPTB want you to get knocked up.

Considering the world’s population is increasing at an unsustainable exponential rate, this may seem like the most reckless conspiracy in the history of crazy people.  It’s not.  It’s diabolical genius at its best.

Think about it.  The Religious Right has been unsuccessful thus far in their attempts to get Roe v Wade overturned and that’s been a direct result of TEPTB pulling strings and making Washington dance like those goofy string puppets I can’t spell and am too lazy to look up.  So they already know not all of the Valentine’s Day conceptions will actually be born.

Keep hanging with me because I know you just spit your Kaluha-spiked chocolate milk all over your desk at my implication that Valentine’s Day is on the books just get women to have abortions.  I know you’re thinking about going to get a towel to clean it up, but don’t go yet because the pieces are about to fall into place.

What is the one good thing - besides fewer drunk people breeding - to come out of abortions?  Ding ding ding!  Stem cell research.

I’ll give you a moment to absorb that.

Yes, that’s right, dark passengers.  Valentine’s Day is meant to be the day the seeds of stem cell research are planted.

Y’all, I have a lot of crackpot ideas, but I’m not wrong about this.  The American people would never stand for science impregnating women for the sole purpose of aborting those fetuses to harvest valuable stem cells.  What they will stand for is a woman’s right to choose.  A simple fact of mathematics tells us that the more you have in your sample, the more will go with option a.  Yes, TEPTB run the risk that more people will choose to have their commemorative Valentine’s Day souvenir babies; however, they also know that they’re still bound to come out ahead of the curve.

So there it is, peeps.  Valentine’s Day is around to further scientific research and development.  Put that in your romantic pipe and smoke it.  (or bake it into brownies and it will work just as well, or so I was told the other day…)

Since you’re not reading Your Celibate Passenger, I’m going to make a leap here and suggest that all of y’all plan on celebrating National Condom Day right along with Valentine’s Day tomorrow…unless you want to play into the hands of TEPTB - or you want a new kid in time for Thanksgiving.

Today’s unresearched and unfounded theories have been brought to you by the letter V and the number 13…

Jen

“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”

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