May 04 2009
Swine Flu Conspiracy
Welcome to Conspiracy Week on Your Dark Passenger! Here’s the deal, y’all…I can’t give you my sources or tell you where I heard this. I can’t even tell you if I think this is for really real or not. Don’t like that? Sorry. That’s just how it goes with all the best conspiracy theories. The Swine Flu Conspiracy is no different. (Or for all the serious conspiracy theorists who are incapable of grasping satire, please see Godlike Productions Forums , Prison Planet and Project Camelot. Not all of the theories were specifically found on only those websites; however, you should be able to find ALL of it there.)
So…what exactly is the deal with the Swine Flu or H1N1 or whatever the heck we’re calling it today? Is it going to be the global killer we’ve all been waiting for from our secret underground bunkers? Is this a bio-weapon unleashed by TPTB to counteract overpopulation on this little blue marble in the sky we call Earth? Did the aliens send it down to kill us or protect us from something more lethal? Did President Obama already die of this global pandemic and we just don’t know it yet?
Take a deep breath, dark passengers. I’ve got all the answers you need and I got ‘em from very reliable unnamed and anonymous sources on the internet. Here’s what we know:
- It’s a completely naturally occurring flu strain that was created by man. That’s right. It’s either good ol’ Mother Nature or it’s some mad scientist in a lab.
- TPTB want to destroy Mexico. They’ve actually genetically engineered this one so that only those of Mexican descent will be adversely affected by this particular strain.
- President Obama is patient zero. You heard me. It was his job to go around to other countries infecting them with this deadly strain. Apparently, he’s already dead from it and the Obama we’ve been seeing in press conferences and photo ops is a clone.
- Swine Flu was created by the United States to allow the invasion of Canada. Did you miss the candid moment at Fox News that was caught on camera by mistake where they were discussing Project Orange? So did I. Apparently, we’re gearing up for a full-scale assault of Canada. It might have something to do with a new ability to power cars with maple syrup, but that was twice removed hearsay so I can’t comment further.
- FEMA created it so they could run the country when it went pandemic. Yep. They want nothing more than to force the vaccine on us and toss us into FEMA camps. Apparently, they think people don’t get to take enough vacations…
- It’s because of Planet X. That’s right. We’re all going to lose our minds when Planet X (aka Nibiru) becomes visible to the naked eye in September (currently only visible to those with crappy web-cams who film the sky for YouTube). They tried to get the economy to collapse so we’d all riot and they could put us in the FEMA camps, but when that didn’t work they had to go to the pandemic plan. Plan C involves a false flag alien attack.
- Speaking of aliens…Did you see that episode of X Files where the government had to get all the people vaccinated because of an impending alien attack? I didn’t either, but I’m told this is exactly like it.
- Zombie Flu. H1N1 isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s already begun to mutate into H1Z1 - Zombie Flu. I know this for a fact because a guy posted it on a website about how a friend sent him a picture he found of this chick whose boyfriend’s cousin became a zombie from it.
- Did I mention aliens yet? TPTB unleashed this deadly strain all over the world, but the aliens have been working tirelessly to stop the spread. That’s why there have been an increase in UFO sightings lately.
- China did it…maybe. Swine flu was created by either China, Iran or North Korea as a way to sicken the entire population - including the military - of North America. Once everyone is too focused on their own snot to go outside, that’s when they’ll march in and take over.
- The mark of the beast. Swine flu is a false flag created to trick people into taking the mark of the beast administered as the vaccine. Biblical scholars would tell you it’s not possible to accidentally take the mark or that the mark itself isn’t what damns ones soul to an eternity in Camp Hellfire, but there’s this dude on the internet who can’t spell that knows this for a FACT.
- There’s nothing to fear…maybe. It wasn’t created, but a naturally occurring outbreak. Since no crisis should ever be wasted, fearmongers are out there in full force to see just how quickly they can make all of society break down through the virulent spread of panic.
Please note: All of the above statements are total fact and in no way contradict one another if you really think about it. (All of the above statements are also for ENTERTAINMENT purposes; however, those with nothing better to do than stalk me and attack me on the internet clearly don’t get that any more than they believe the rest of the readers can think for themselves and draw their own conclusions…)
What I’d like to know is just what exactly Jack Bauer is doing about this right now. It’s been WAY more than a day so I think someone might be losing their touch. I’m very disappointed in him right now…
Jen
“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”
I like it.
However, I think you missed something dreadfully important. The virus does not actually exist. This is all a vast media conspiracy to make us stone each other to death over every hay-fever sneeze. Those who remain might actually be the percent of the population which buys newspapers.
This website is complete BS disinfo. I hate you and I hate your website. You’re trying to discredit real conspiracies and you’re failing, because no one’s even reading your stupid website.
Tracker - I can’t believe I missed that one! *shames self* I suppose that’s what you get when you try to compile everything into one place…always miss the obvious. *sighs* Must try harder next time…
NWO - Ahh…that’s sweet. I knew there would be someone out there who wouldn’t understand the nuances of sarcasm…I just didn’t expect they would know how to fill out a simple comment form.
You know…methinks someone doth protest a bit too much.
I wonder if anyone out there ever considered that the majority of the public does not respond well to prophesies of doom? I wonder if anyone out there realizes that people best swallow the truth with a dose or two of humor? I wonder if anyone has thought of how many people will later investigate the truth behind that which is first made in jest?
I wonder if anyone out there understands that I know how to read my readership statistics and as such am not totally shattered?
Childish “NWO” attempt to leave a scathing message = FAIL
I know! They even did a radio promotion on the alternative rock station where the afternoon DJ was trying to get peeps to dress up like zombies and walk around Dallas. Can you even imagine how awesome that would be? You’re having lunch with some of your coworkers when a group of giggling zombies at the next table order dessert?
Because seriously, at this point, it would have to be a bunch of high school students since they’re all out of school at the moment. It seems like more school districts are closing by the hour around here. Good thing, too. People already forget how to drive in rush hour traffic. The last thing we need is a bunch of inexperienced zombie drivers behind the wheel…
ReCaptcha says “to gawkity”
Isn’t reCAPTCHA just the greatest thing to point us where to venture forward, such as 1.20 virgos. I worked with that sample.
Hmm. I feel sort of bad for that .20 of a virgin. Wonder what she did to the other 80% of herself that made those parts non-virginal.
No. I take that back. I don’t want to know the answer to that.
You know, the way things seem to be going with ReCaptcha lately, I wonder if there’s some mind control conspiracy going on with that. Something to look into after I sink to a new low tomorrow with my post topic…
ReCaptcha says: “and linkages”
dun Dun DUN!
I like the idea that this is all just one way to get everyone to buy more medicine and to keep us busy as the prices of everything else increases. No one will even notice because everyone is getting sick with the flu. errr pig flu, errr swine flu, bird flu….Umm what flu were we again. Oh that’s right bogus flu.
I’m rather fond of that one as well…so long as people don’t start dropping dead of this distraction.
But just to be on the safe, I still stocked up on non-perishables and medications in the event of quarantine or zombies or mass panic and chaos. Not that I have to worry much since there’s some sort of FEMA complex not too far from me surrounded by barbed wire. I’m sure that’s where they’ll distribute all the emergency supplies, right?
Right?
Crap…
Lissie, that was AWESOME!!! I have no clue who created that site, but I have to officially recommend that ALL dark passengers visit that link.
And you’re so right. Too perfect for this post. We could use some humor around here after the terror trolls and doom shills came to visit. It was almost enough to make me post tomorrow’s post early, just so why I did this post the way I did it could be understood, but…why? No reason for creativity to kowtow to the haters.
Anyway, I have to agree with you about real disinformation ruling the internet. It’s a sad - yet true - fact. Why the world needs more discernment.
But…you did get that I wasn’t one of the evil agents of disinformation, right girlie?
ReCaptcha says: “camp tattles”
I’d be especially scared of the zombie flu.
Isn’t there one about Obama being the anti-christ? Maybe its the Beast and President at once! Two birds, one stone
It was a government made virus to use in combat and wipe out populations. Just Kidding.. Great Post
Hindleyite - Well, if you really think about, we’re already a society of zombies in front of our televisions. And who really knows what’s in the food we’re eating these days. Wandering around eating brains doesn’t seem like much of a stretch…
Kspace - There sure is. I wrote about that a few months back…might have been on The Stiletto Philosopher though. Can’t remember. At this point, I’d say it’s a bit premature to decide that. If the man dies, comes back to life, declares himself God and demands we all worship him as such, well…that’s when I’ll worry about it. Until then, it’s all supposition and slander on the part of those who don’t like the man or his politics. *shrugs* I will say that very little surprises me anymore.
Cmaher - You may have said that in jest, but do you really put something like that past any world government? I don’t. As I said, very little surprises me these days…
Loves it…you’re hilarious, want to be friends? You know I never did see that x-files episode, but I did miss some then again.. I love the dark humor and talk of conspiracy theories.
I love zombies, my cats name is Zombie.
That was the point of this post. Glad at least a few people out there got that.
Friends? Hmm…I don’t know. How do I know you aren’t an evil agent of the NWO who’s out to kill me and send me to Camp FEMA?
Zombies rock…as does zombie flu!
lol too funny great job I actually could see some people stoning hay fever sufferers though
Shannon - I know, right? I was a little worried to go out on Friday night to stock up. No, I wasn’t worried I was going to get swine flu and turn into a zombie; I was worried people were going to flip out on me when I sneezed at Sam’s. Hello? It’s allergy season in texas so basically…it’s not a good time to need to breathe ’round here.
You know what else is funny? The fact that google’s put an ad on this post stating “Pork is Safe.”
You need to grow a much thicker skin if you’re going to run around spewing nonsense on the internet.
And thank you for adding such a vast depth of intelligence to this discussion with your comment.
Thanks for stopping by…
ReCaptcha says, “Washington spackle” Hmm…fitting somehow.
You know it was stated Obama did sign or is trying to sign/pass that bill so we could explore our oil down in the Gulf Coast. Now suddenly the swine flu hits and we have everyone closing their borders. Just a thought. hehe
Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if the two were related.
Hmm…I’m in Texas. Wonder if I’ve got any oil under my house. Doubt it.
I wish they’d focus more on alternative energy sources than looking for more oil.
Disinfo
Try again, “Bob.” It’s called sarcasm.
Maybe the world would be in better shape if certain people would spend less time making known how little they understand of humor by harassing a paranormal/satire blog and more time going after the actual enemy.
But that makes far too much sense so I know it’ll never happen…
It’s either the gov or the pharm companies making something so that we will buy yet more prescription. Pfizer Inc is just the Umbrella corp in disguise. Yes, we will give you prescriptions for free so that you will turn into zombies.
I suspect Bob’s got a zombie flu infected rat snake attached to his insignificant penis which makes him glub glub like that.
I am surprised that anything still understands the efficacy of properly applied sarcasm. It’s like the ultimate poultice.
It is also the supreme countermeasure to people who fund, own, and use weapons of mass destruction (and dismiss the consequent civilian casualties as collateral damage, which should be the name of a rock group, if rock groups had not become such insignificant pussies, no gender slight intended) and seem to think that other people shouldn’t have equal means to defend themselves, particularly those unsuccessful gawkies, which reCAPTCHA forces me to acknowledge.
Your obsession with the insignificant penis knows no bounds, does it?
Melody - I does seem just a touch too coincidental to be coincidence, huh?
Sadly, I don’t think the medical industry is really going to fix much of anything anymore - doctors or not. They all just want to shove more chemicals into our bodies that we don’t need anyway.
Catherine - Ding ding ding! I think we have a winner!
Lately, the pharmaceutical companies remind me more of back alley drug dealers than a part of the medical profession. “Hey, kid…yeah…you there. I’ll give you these first pills to help you with your depression for free…then you’ll be a junkie for life.”
ReCaptcha says, “question though”
Interesting…
hahahahahah this is seriously funny
my friend and i were reading this (well, i was on the phone with her and acting as her personal storyteller) and we think you are brilliant in the extreme.
we also believe you are republican for your clear and obvious intelligence and knowledge of bullshit when you spot it.
i personally believe the aliens are responsible and that tom cruise was right all along haha
my aforementioned friend yasmin wants me to tell you she loves you, as do i(:
Well thank you, Emily. I’m a little sad that I missed the theatrical retelling of my post. That had to be more amusing than the post itself.
But, yes, you are both very astute to pick up my brilliance. (Lips are sealed on the political stance though…)
OMG…you’re right! I’ve totally been wearing my tin foil hat this whole time to keep Tom Cruse from invading my brain waves, but…*gasps*…it was the swine flu aliens this whole time. I’d better make a new tin foil hat at once!
Awwww…I love you and Yasmin too. Y’all rock!
Jen
I fell out of my chair laughing. Love the post.
that article was pretty funny but i think the comments are golden!
Yep. I love my readers…even the ones who get together with their paranoid forum friends to cyberstalk me.