Your Dark Passenger

Happy weekend, dark passengers. I haven’t done this in a while, so it’s time to share a bit of the insanity in my head at any given minute with you. It has very little to do with the paranormal, if anything, but I guarantee some entertainment value.

First, I’m taking my sister to see the new Twilight movie “New Moon” on Thursday night…well, technically it’s Friday morning, but I don’t go to bed before midnight so it’ll be my Thursday. I’ve been meaning to get back to the vampire site, so you can look for more my movie review and impression of all the wild fans at the premiere on Friday…or still my Thursday since I’ll do it before I go to bed.

But, seriously y’all, if chick spends the bulk of the movie crying about missing Edward…there’s a good chance I’m falling asleep. I’m just sayin’…

So, anyway, hubby’s been home most of the week with a semi-flu and it made me think back to about a month ago when I was last home sick…before I started working at home again. Here’s a random fact about me: When I’m sick, I watch cooking shows on the Food Network. All day. All night. No reason…I just like to pretend I’ll learn how to cook as a result. So far, I can make a rue (sp?) and an apple crumble. Progress, I suppose.

That got me thinking about cooking shows in general. Everyone is so composed and experienced. It’s nothing like when us normal peeps get in the kitchen and suddenly our “simple syrup” is all over the stove and floor refusing to come up. I think we need a normal person running a cooking show. Put someone with a basic to moderate skill level - like me - in front of the camera and give her a recipe she’s never seen before. Maybe she’s got the right the equipment or maybe she has to figure out how to make double boiler out of pots and bowls like the rest of us do. Let all the normal people watch someone totally screw up a recipe the way we would at home the first time we see. Only then should you bring in the experienced chef to offer advice on what was done wrong and how to manage tricky techniques.

So, for your enjoyment, here’s a little creation from the back of my head: “How to run a real cooking show”

1. Welcome the audience and show a picture from the cookbook of the complicated recipe
2. Tell a little story about your childhood as it semi-relates to the recipe while you gather ingredients
3. Realize nothing is thawed out and cut to commercial while 8 hours of thawing time pass
4. Welcome everyone back and get out the necessary cookware
5. Realize hubby didn’t run the dishwasher like he was supposed to and take another commercial break
6. Demonstrate the proper way to chop vegetables while yelling over the noise of the dishwasher
7. Cut your finger and bite your lip to avoid screaming obscenities at your cutting board
8. Let the oil heat in the pan while you tell more stories and unload the dishes
9. Add the garlic to infuse in the oil
10. Jump five feet when the oil pops at your arm
11. Wonder what’s burning and realize the heat is set too high
12. Dump out the burnt garlic and start over on the correct setting
13. Demonstrate how to use kitchen shears to cut chicken into stir fry strips
14. Throw the shears in the sink when you realize they’re as dull as your kids safety scissors
15. Try your kids safety scissors and swear under your breath when they work better than kitchen shears
16. Pretend to be happy when hubby comes home and asks if dinner’s ready
17. Realize you burnt the garlic. Again.
18. Start the oil and garlic yet again
19. Go to add the chopped veggies and realize hubby ate them while he was pretending to straighten up the kitchen
20. Slam the cookbook closed
21. Order pizza
22. Thank your viewers for tuning in and invite them to tune in next time when you’ll make some other impossible dish…or order Chinese take out

And that, dark passengers, is the way a real life cooking show would go.

So, what would your cooking show be like? Do you do anything unusual when you’re sick? Going to see “New Moon?” Want to tell me I’m a crazy person? Lots of commenting options today.

Jen

“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”

Halloween is nearly upon us, dark passengers, but we still have time to plan for a bit of fun - even if we don’t have time to make the perfect costume or plan a killer party. Without further ado, I give you the official rules for the Paranormal Halloween Costume Drinking Game!

In case anyone is unfamiliar with how a drinking game works, I have to ask…Why are you reading this?

Ghosts:

Anytime you see someone in a ghost costume, you have consume a clear liquid…because ghosts are translucent.

• Kid wearing a white sheet - Do 2 shots to make his costume scarier
• Kid wearing a costume not like a sheet - Do 1 shot because the kid tried
• Kid wearing a scary ghost face costume from Scream or Scary Movie - Do 1 shot but add a shot of grenadine to it first because this is a slasher movie ghost!

Zombies:

Whenever you see a kid at the door dressed like a zombie, get out the beer because zombies are classic, run of the mill ghouls.

• Chug your beer for 10 seconds whenever a zombie comes to the door. It doesn’t matter what kind because they’re all the same.

Werewolves

Break out the mixed drinks my friend because these paranormal creatures are half human and half wolf. You’ll also need cayenne pepper, cinnamon or paprika on hand.

• Take 1 giant gulp of your mixed drink when a werewolf shows up at your door.
• If anyone shows up dressed like one of the wolf pack from New Moon (You know, the new Twilight movie?), you have to add a pinch of one of the spices to your drink. Why? That series basically bastardized werewolf lore so you have to taint your drink. Fair warning: You’ll probably see a lot of these so be prepared for an interesting drink.

Vampires

Get ready to get plastered on Halloween night because everyone and their dog is going to dress up like a vampire. For this, you need a “fashionable” drink like martinis, cosmos, bellinis, etc. You also need a bottle of hot sauce that has a shaker top.

• Take 2 big sips whenever you see a vampire
• Take 3 big sips if they have on an awesome vampire cape
• Down your drink if they have someone following them around with a wooden stake
• If a Twilight vampire shows up at your door, shake 1 drop of hot sauce directly on your tongue and take ONLY one sip of your drink

Special Bonus Character

If any girl shows up at your door dressed as Bella from Twilight on Halloween night, you must follow the rules for both Twilight vampires and the Twilight wolf pack because we all know Bella goes both ways.

Also, if anyone shows up at your door in costume who looks old enough to drive - besides parent and older sibling chaperones- throw a piece of candy at their forehead and slam the door. Drink whatever you’re supposed to for that costume, but do it twice because teenagers count as two kids.

Have fun drinking handing out candy!

Let me know if anyone’s left standing after this one…

Jen

“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”

Welcome back to Conspiracy Week on Your Dark Passenger.  Today, we’ve got an extra-special conspiracy.  Today, we find out what happens when Conspiracy week meets WTF Wednesday.  Not to give it all away, but this is the topic that caused my hubby to send a text to his spiritual mentor to find out if God would be okay with him divorcing me if I actually believed this.

He said he was joking…but he sent the text anyway.

Before I get into what I possibly could have found on a conspiracy site and repeated to him that could nearly cost someone their marriage, I feel a little bit of a disclosure is necessary.  Please keep in mind that what is about to be presented is a theory that’s out there and not necessarily the opinion or belief of me, Your Dark Passenger, Today.com or any of the advertisers on this site.

Having said that, let’s discuss the conspiracy theory of how God is actually a dragon. (more…)

Welcome to the Dark Side, dark passengers.  If you haven’t already read the Fang Bangin’ Friday post for today then please don’t think this is all you got today.

So…how come nothing this freakin’ cute ever comes after me?  I mean, watching evil flip over so I can get its belly might make it more worthwhile…

Jen

“Let your dark passenger come out to play…Be your own nemesis!”

Do you remember when I used to talk about the most interesting searches from my fellow dark passengers?  Well, I think it’s time we revisit that.  I’ve always found it interesting how y’all find this blog.  Guess the least I can do is answer your burning questions about life and death and shamwow.

Right?

I’ll start with the hottest search for the week, besides the ever-popular image search.  Not really anything to say on the images besides: yes, I use pictures.   So here we go…

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